Wonder
…Slowly the sky got darker… I had a gut feeling something wasn’t
right. Midnight approached haunting
noises swirled the sky. Dark shadows watching me purple eyes scan the room I sat gazing with terror. A sound wave bang high pitched noises scream
in my ears I yell at the top of my lungs in pain. Nobody comes, after I recover I peek round my parents door sound asleep like nothing had happened. Slowly the sun appeared then turned
black. Evil’s taking over I thought. I looked out the window the ground as dry
as the desert. I sprint and dive under the duvet praying that
when I wake up everything will be normal.
Ooh Olivia. That's is powerful writing - so powerful that I found it really scary. Have you read it aloud to yourself to be sure the reader gets the emphasis you have in your mind?
ReplyDeleteMrs C
WOW! This an amazing piece of writing!
ReplyDeleteExtremely, imaginative and very good adjectives.
This is a very tensioned piece of writing.
Maybe next time you could use a few more openers like Rapidly, I ran
Slowly, the sun appeared.Well done Brendon!
From Dan.
Hello Olivia,
ReplyDeleteYou most certainly know how to build suspense. From the prompt at the beginning, you build upon a creepy atmosphere and seem to know the importance of short sentences in stressful moments. At the end, you leave us wondering what might happen. Well done. :)
If I can make a suggestion, there are places where a full stop or comma can add to suspense. They give the reader the prompt to pause. In moments of tension, we think quick thoughts. Here is what I mean...
Midnight approached. Haunting noises swirled the sky. Dark shadows appeared. I sat gazing with terror.
I think you are a skilled writer with interesting ideas and a strength in building suspense. I hope you continue to enter the 100WC.
Ross Mannell (Team 100WC)
Teacher (retired), N.S.W., Australia